Set off warning: This story shares an aspirant’s experiences with suicidal ideas, panic assaults, and psychological well being challenges throughout UPSC preparation. Please learn with care and take a pause if you should. In case you or somebody you already know is struggling, we encourage you to succeed in out for help.

In 2020, on the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic, Aryendra Kumar sat in a Delhi room together with his coronary heart pounding uncontrollably. It felt as if his chest would possibly collapse, his breath shortening with each second. Panic assaults had grow to be frequent, and in these lonely lockdown nights, darkish ideas crept into his thoughts: “Possibly it’s not value it. Possibly I ought to finish it.”

A graduate from IIT Kharagpur with a level in electrical engineering, Aryendra got here to Delhi to pursue a profession in civil companies. Behind the tutorial laurels, nevertheless, lay an exhausting inside battle — one which many UPSC aspirants silently struggle.

At the moment, Aryendra stands tall as an IPS (Indian Police Service) officer. His journey isn’t solely about clearing India’s hardest examination, but additionally about how he wrestled with suicidal ideas, rebuilt his psychological well being, and proved that resilience will be as vital as intelligence within the pursuit of desires.

When panic almost broke him

After graduating in 2019, Aryendra had not deliberate to dive straight into UPSC preparation. A backup job was a part of his technique. However campus placements didn’t work out, and the businesses he was ready for both didn’t arrive or didn’t provide the appropriate alternatives. Abruptly, he discovered himself thrown into UPSC preparation and not using a security internet.

His first two makes an attempt led to disappointment when he couldn’t clear the preliminary stage. The huge syllabus, coupled with the uncertainty of the examination, weighed closely on him.

For some time, Delhi’s teaching courses gave him consolation. The construction helped him consider in his progress, and he was capable of observe alongside. However when courses ended and lockdown started, the silence grew louder. The absence of friends, the fixed barrage of unfavorable ideas, and the shortcoming to step exterior turned his thoughts right into a battleground.

By April 2020, issues had reached a harmful peak. “Throughout panic assaults, I’d really feel like my coronary heart was about to cease. It felt like I’d collapse any second,” Aryendra remembers.

He couldn’t share his struggling together with his dad and mom, fearing they might panic. His relations, who have been already internet hosting him, couldn’t be burdened both. So he carried the burden alone. “The spiral of hysteria and melancholy appeared infinite,” he says.

The turning level got here when the lockdown eased in September. Aryendra moved to Prayagraj to stick with his uncle. That change of atmosphere, coupled with a aware resolution to take cost of his psychological well being, turned step one towards restoration.

From there, Aryendra started rebuilding piece by piece, beginning with a strict routine.

How self-discipline gave him steadiness

One among Aryendra’s greatest realisations was how nights amplified negativity. “At evening, exhaustion and overthinking made all the things worse,” he explains. To counter this, he reset his schedule: waking up at 5 am, going to mattress by 10 pm, and filling his days with structured examine and wellness practices.

Meditation and train turned non-negotiable elements of his mornings. At first, he relied on YouTube movies for steering. Over time, the apply shifted from compulsion to behavior, and ultimately, to a supply of inside peace. “Meditation not solely improved my focus but additionally created a constructive atmosphere in my thoughts. It decreased the noise of hysteria,” he says.

His each day timetable was strict however regular. Research blocks interspersed with breaks gave rhythm to his day. Removed from monotonous, the routine supplied him safety and a way of progress — each essential for psychological stability.

Breaking the mountain into steps

One other coping technique Aryendra found was the facility of roadmaps. Initially, the huge UPSC syllabus left him overwhelmed, pushing him deeper into despair. However as soon as he broke the huge syllabus into manageable elements, all the things modified.

“As a substitute of considering solely about clearing UPSC, I made small, achievable targets. Each time I accomplished one, I felt motivated. Small wins gave me the arrogance to maintain shifting,” he displays.

This method echoes a core precept of psychology: progress, nevertheless small, fuels perseverance. For Aryendra, ticking off milestones — whether or not ending a piece of the syllabus or writing a each day reply — turned a lifeline.

Shutting out the noise

To totally decide to his preparation and psychological restoration, Aryendra made a troublesome resolution. He modified his telephone quantity, giving it solely to his dad and mom and uncle. “Pals, with their fixed comparisons about salaries and company jobs, may wait. I didn’t wish to drown in negativity about packages or job presents when my focus needed to be totally different,” he explains.

At evening, he started writing in a diary. As a substitute of bottling up his fears, he poured them onto paper. Every entry ended with a constructive decision — what he would attempt the subsequent day, how he would enhance. Some days, the identical struggles repeated, however steadily the act of writing reframed his perspective. “Optimistic affirmations within the diary shifted my angle and gave me hope,” he says.

From failed makes an attempt to turning into an IPS

With better readability and renewed focus, he turned again to the exams — and in contrast to many aspirants who see backup plans as distractions, he discovered power in his.

After failing the UPSC prelims, he redirected his focus to the UPPCS (Uttar Pradesh Provincial Civil Companies) examination in 2021, simply 15–20 days later. To his shock, he cleared the prelims, then the mains, and ultimately reached the interview stage. That success gave him his first official posting as a Naib Tehsildar.

The achievement didn’t divert him from UPSC. It energised him. The state examination turned a confidence booster, proof that his arduous work was yielding outcomes. Whereas serving as a Naib Tehsildar, he continued his UPSC journey with renewed spirit.

By his third UPSC try in 2022, Aryendra had reached the interview stage. In 2023, he achieved what as soon as felt inconceivable: he cleared UPSC and earned a posting within the Indian Railway Administration Service (IRMS). Not stopping there, he appeared once more in 2024, improved his rank to 527, and secured the IPS service.

For him, the true victory was not simply over an examination, however over the suicidal ideas that when haunted him.

Classes for aspirants

Aryendra’s journey holds vital classes for each aspirant strolling the skinny line between ambition and despair. Based mostly on his expertise, he shares solutions for the lakhs of aspirants on the market.

1. Settle for uncertainty. UPSC might or might not work out. Psychological preparation for each outcomes is crucial.
   

2. Don’t rush a backup plan, however don’t keep away from it eternally. Contemplate alternate options after one or two makes an attempt; it offers safety with out diluting focus.
   

3. Consistency issues greater than bursts of effort. A gradual schedule retains power targeted and productive.
   

4. Caring for psychological well being is power, not weak point. Practices like meditation, affirmations, and trusted conversations will be lifesaving.
   

5. Society’s definition of success isn’t all the things. Civil companies are prestigious, however fulfilment can come from many paths.
   

However past examine methods and backup plans, his greatest lesson is about life itself.

His greatest lesson: Select life

Aryendra notes that melancholy and anxiousness are too typically brushed apart as “overthinking” or, worse, as insanity. Dad and mom, unaware of the depths of the wrestle, might merely advise, “Simply examine more durable.” However his phrases underline a fact many aspirants know but hesitate to voice: “The battle is actual, and silence solely worsens it.”

He believes this silence can value lives. “Instructional establishments and households alike have to normalise conversations about psychological well being. Recognising it early, providing empathy, and creating supportive environments may save numerous lives,” he says.

The uniform he wears right this moment is a logo of perseverance, however for Aryendra, it additionally carries a deeper reminder. In that Delhi room the place panic and loneliness as soon as left him gasping for air, he couldn’t have imagined this consequence. Wanting again, he presents a message to each aspirant going through an identical storm: “Civil companies could also be a dream, however staying alive to struggle one other day is the true victory.”

And generally, as Aryendra’s smile in uniform reveals, tomorrow can maintain greater than you ever dared to think about.

In case you or somebody you already know is struggling, listed below are some helplines you possibly can attain out to:

• AASRA: 91-22-27546669 | 91-22-27546667 (24×7)
  

• Snehi: +91-9582208181 (Obtainable each day, 10 AM – 10 PM)
  

• iCall (TISS): +91-9152987821 (Obtainable each day, 10 AM – 8 PM)
  

• Sumaitri: +91-11-23389090 (2 PM – 10 PM, all days)
  

• Sangath – Mindline: 011-41198666 (10 AM – 6 PM, all days)
  

• Vandrevala Basis Helpline: 1860 266 2345 or 1800 233 3330 (24×7)
  

• KIRAN (Govt of India): 1800-599-0019 (24×7, a number of languages)

Edited by Khushi Arora; All photos courtesy Aryendra Kumar.