It took me a number of months of residing alone to grasp I have no idea methods to relaxation. When I’ve a uncommon free afternoon, I start deep cleansing. I clear corners I cleaned the day earlier than. I empty drawers and refill them. I scrub surfaces with depth, not as a result of they’re soiled, however as a result of I can not stand the thought of doing nothing. My restlessness disguises itself as duty. Someplace in my physique, a silent rule is coded: relaxation is earned, not assumed.

This discomfort is just not private. It’s produced. In one in all her essays, Judith Butler argues that gender is one thing we do, not one thing we’re. That efficiency performs out in delicate rituals, just like the quiet panic I really feel when I’m unoccupied. 

Womanhood, family labour and relaxation

Womanhood, in lots of Indian households, is first rehearsed via labour. Not solely bodily labour, however emotional vigilance as properly. The shortcoming to take a seat, to take house, to waste time, begins at dwelling. 

Watching moms who hover over eating tables as a substitute of consuming with the household. Watching elder sisters who “assist” whereas brothers are “busy”. Watching ladies in public areas all the time justifying their presence, shopping for one thing, accompanying somebody, or getting someplace. At all times with objective. Relaxation, for girls, isn’t with out narrative. It have to be defined, excused, or shortened.

Internalised expectations

Even now, after I lie down, a listing seems in my thoughts. Did I reply to that electronic mail? Have I achieved sufficient studying as we speak? Ought to I be writing? I not often ask myself whether or not I’m drained. Fatigue has by no means been a sound cause. Solely outcomes matter. That’s the situation of being introduced up feminine underneath patriarchy: you’re skilled to measure your value via service. 

Even now, after I lie down, a listing seems in my thoughts. Did I reply to that electronic mail? Have I achieved sufficient studying as we speak? Ought to I be writing? I not often ask myself whether or not I’m drained. Fatigue has by no means been a sound cause. Solely outcomes matter.

Sara Ahmed, in Residing a Feminist Life, writes, “While you expose an issue, you pose an issue.” Selecting to cease, to not produce, to not repair or carry out, is learn not as want however as resistance. And that’s exactly what makes stillness really feel mistaken.

The urge to show usefulness lingers in areas the place nobody is watching. My home stays untouched by company for weeks, however I’m nonetheless anxious about the way it appears. Not for others, however for myself. As if the untidiness of the shelf says one thing about my worth. As if my physique, mendacity down quietly, will announce a failure of self-discipline.

Rising up, I not often noticed the ladies in my household really relaxation. My mom folded laundry whereas watching TV; my grandmother hummed prayers whereas cooking. Even their stillness had a operate. Doing nothing wasn’t a part of the script. 

Over time, I absorbed that rhythm. Now, if I’ve a gradual day, I discover myself tallying duties to justify it. The urge to show I’ve “earned” my time feels inherited, like a quiet legacy handed from one lady to a different.

Feminist areas, relaxation and busyness

Even feminist areas typically reproduce this glorification of busyness. We applaud multitasking and survival exhaustion. We flip resilience into aesthetic. Relaxation is never championed as its personal proper. The gradual, quiet, abnormal act of doing nothing doesn’t make it to slogans. But, as Audre Lorde highlights, “Caring for myself is just not self-indulgence; it’s self-preservation.” However self-preservation, for girls, is just not instinctive. It must be learnt. Slowly. Guiltily.

Even feminist areas typically reproduce this glorification of busyness. We applaud multitasking and survival exhaustion. We flip resilience into aesthetic. Relaxation is never championed as its personal proper. The gradual, quiet, abnormal act of doing nothing doesn’t make it to slogans.

Each time I attempt to pause, I’ve to wrestle with an internalised perception that I’m losing time. This perception has penalties. It chips away at my inventive life. As an alternative of writing a poem, I fold garments. As an alternative of sitting with an thought, I sweep the ground. The silence that would nourish thought turns into one thing to remove.

I typically surprise what I might create if I allowed myself boredom. Virginia Woolf famously requested for “a room of 1’s personal,” however I believe we additionally want time of our personal. Not scheduled time, not compensated time. Unclaimed, unproductive time. Time by which nothing is anticipated.

Practising stillness

Mary Oliver as soon as requested, “Inform me, what’s it you intend to do along with your one wild and treasured life?” I positively don’t wish to say “clear the bookshelf once more.” Typically I gentle a candle and lie on the ground, simply to practise stillness. Typically I fail. The urge to do one thing wins. However slowly, I’m studying to take a seat with the discomfort. To remain. To imagine that doing nothing could be invaluable. Not as preparation, not as restoration, however as presence.

This isn’t an ethical essay. I’m not asking ladies to cease shifting. I’m asking why we can not permit ourselves to cease. Why should each act be productive? Why should each hour be justified? What does it imply to reside with out urgency? These questions sit on the coronary heart of my feminist apply.

Stillness shouldn’t be radical. However for a lot of ladies, it’s. And for now, selecting to be nonetheless, even for a second, is my quiet refusal.

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